August 2003 Archives

In recognition of Slacker Day, I just spent some quality time at the Mr. T'inator site. This piece of Internet goodness takes any web page ann translates it into Mr. T Speak. My favorite examples:

From You Who

"BA Baracus's latest book gunna be "They Came Like Swallows" by William Maxwell. Does anyone know anything about this crazy book?"

From 4 Kids, Mom, and Dad

"This crazy man wuz sitting on a display talking on the crazy phone. Got no time for the Jibba Jabba. His cart wud in the darn middle of the aisle and the case that crazy Murdock had wud perched on some edge of the darn cart. A woman who worked there came by and mentioned to him that darn BA Baracus may want to watch some case and that darn Hannibal wuz sitting on a display. Shut up, fool!"

...and From Pam's Blog

"Hannibal'd never even heard of schizotypal before, but after reading the description the crazy Faceman guess it kind of fits. Come on, you can do better than that! Didn't even really need a test to tell me that crazy anyway. What you doin'?!? You can't drive, sucka!!"

I'm in this evil mood today, so I am driving people crazy.

I am doing this by playing a random collection of Elvis and Eminem songs on my laptop. The speakers are just loud enough so that nobody can ignore it. The resulting culture shock actually sent one of our sales guys to the hospital.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

I am a sick and twisted puppy.

* actually, he went to the hospital because he cut his finger.

I was recently waxing nostalgic with a friend of mine about all of the amazing things that have happened during the later part of the twentieth century, and the even more amazing things that have already happened during the first few years of the twenty-first. Last century saw computers evolve from simple Turing machines into room-sized monsters that ate punch cards and spat out feeble computations; from there to desk-sized "personal computers" to new portable "laptops" that outperform previous generations exponentially.

We've all seen movies; they were born in 1910 with the release of thefirst movie, and have since found color, sound, and an ever-evolving science of special effects that has recently cumulated in the ability to create a digital army of tens-of-thousands of orcs in the Lord of the Rings using the latest CGI effects.

Clothing? Fashion? Just watch any random episode of VH1's "I Love the 80's" or "I Love the 70's" to see how often that changes. But speaking of TV... you can now get fully digital TV — including HDTV (with an amazing increase in picture resolution) — over Satellite, Cable TV (fiber optic and/or coaxial cable), and even your telephone line.

Cars can now go from 0 to 60mph in 2.9 seconds with over one thousand horsepower. And they can almost fly.

With advancements in nanotech Fleischer's vision of a Fantastic Voyage turns from science-fiction to reality.

But I'm not content with all that. I want more.

I want cars that fly, and not for $500,000 dollars. I want cars that no longer need wheels. I mean, wheels? They were invented by cave men for Christ's sake. We can do better than that! How about a mode of transportation that is clean, efficient, fast, safe, and free? Is that so much to ask for? Maybe if we left the shackles of this "wheel" idea behind we'd make some progress. Damn lazy engineers. I'll never see it in my lifetime.

I also want bionics. I want to be able to lift ten thousand pounds with one finger. I want to be able to access a database via a satellite linkup built into my brain. I want to make the Bwa-mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa-mwa noise when I run at super-sonic speeds after character-stereotyped bad guys. Again, is that so much to ask? but I'll never see it pre-2100.

That's why I want to live to see the twenty-second century. Oh, that and I want to be able to single-handedly prevent another "millennium bug" fiasco by saying (in grumpy-old-man voice) "When I was young, they all said that the year 2000 would cause all the computers to crash, but they didn't! And we didn't have any new-fangled brain-controlled cyborg computers, either. They were boxes, with type-writers attached to the front using cables. You had to touch them! And they could barely render three dimensions! " and so on...

I just stumbled across this post over at Granite Rants and I completely sympathize.

I do all of the cooking at home; my wife could burn water if left to it. You can grill, you can sear, you can broil... but as soon as you bake everyone's left eyebrow raises. And I too have heard the "I'd marry you" bit. Are that many women enslaved to their kitchens that they really need to gush about finding a "man who cooks"? I don't get it. I really don't. I cook because I like food... not because of some bizarre gender issue. And not because I'm indentured to my wife (I am, but that's not why I cook :-)

Some people — correction: most people — are just incapable of thinking outside of their own media-defined social roles. [end rant]

The Donk's made it through the night. They're feeling better, although we still need to worry about damage to the hooves. For now, the chore is keeping them in. They do not like being locked up all day — especially when it is finally nice outside after weeks of rain.

So, I've put up a few reinforcements to the stall, and am working on the design of the new barn. I'm thinking this will keep them out of trouble.

I got home to find my two donkeys had escaped their stall. Somehow, they got into the main section of the barn, and had gorged themselves on Hay. For those who know equines, this is bad. For those who don't, there's an interesting bit on colic here and on laminitis here.

To make a long story (and a $200 emergency vet call) short, we still don't know how they got out. The door was closed and latched. The fence was uncompromised for the entire length of the pasture, and the walls to the stall are nearly 40" high (the donkeys are only 30" high). I raised the walls another foot with some scraps of lumber to keep them in for good. They're off pasture for a whole week: doctor's orders. We'll be watching them through the night, and if they're OK then we wait more. If they gorged on grass (and not hay) the full symptoms of the undue stomach fermentation will show as damage to the hooves (really). We have no way of knowing, so we have to wait and see.

I will not be sleeping tonight.

Well, I've been at the new dojo now for one month. There's lots to say about it; in some ways it is much better, in other ways it is not. The largest impression that I've received so far is that it is much more "fight-oriented". That is, there is less focus on the "art" and more on the application of the art. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is different.

The new school (Knapp Martial Arts) shares my name, but there is no relation. The instructor is a fifth-degree back belt who goes back to the pre-Valari days of Professor Cerio, making it about as authentic as you can get for east-coast American Kenpo (certainly for New Hampshire Kennpo). It is also much more physically intensive than my previous school — which is great! I need all the forced-conditioning I can get, seeing as how I have very little self-motivation when it comes to prolonged exercise. Each class will start with about a hundred each of crunches/pushups/jumping jacks, and once warmed up we are expected to keep the energy level high for the next hour.

Overall, I like it. The instructor is excellent; he is precise and fluid and takes the time to correct and instruct students properly. While I was saddened by the unfortunate demise of my previous school, this has turned out to be a silver lining.

My fridge died. My Stove died. A few hours ago, the washer died. And this strange green mold started to grow on my brand new runner. In short: this is the worst combination of heat and humidity that the state of New Hampshire has seen in some time. I feel sorry that the good folks over at On My Mind are visiting the NH Seacoast right now, because oh man... the past ten days have just plain sucked. Everything is damp. Everything is clammy and stale. To sum it all up with one word: "Yuck"

But I'm fighting back.

First, I called every dealer in the local area looking for a dehumidifier. None. They are all sold out. So I hit the Internet. No luck. Again, all sold out. I did find one, but the price was well higher than I could afford, being designed for commercial use. So what do I do?

First, I searched through old computer boxes for loose packets of "Silica Gel"... a silicon drying agent used to preserve electronic goods during shipping and storage. I eventually found some in unopened bottles of dog medicine (did I mention the wife works for a vet?), gathered them up and stuffed them into the components of my failing appliances.

Desperate, yes. But at roughly $400-$600 each for new appliances... any chance is worth the effort. So, a quick call (just in case) to my homeowners insurance company later, I was whirling around my house trying to de-humidify everything with fans and Silica Gel.

Oh, did I mention that I bought a shop ventillator first? Fans just weren't strong enough. It has already brought my washer back to a semi-comatose state. It now works 25% of the time, and I'm hoping for a brighter tomorrow. The stove still doesn't work, but the computer now displays the clock (wrong time) and can "self clean" (but you can't stop it). Maybe as further drying continues things will shape up more. Only time will tell. In the mean time, I have applied some commercial cleaner to the runner, and the mold is gone (although the smell still lingers).

To say that life is Hell is misleading. Everyone knows that Hell is full of fire and brimstone... and not full of wet damp consumer products and slowly rotting wall plaster. This is worse than Hell.

P.S. — the new fan is amazing: it will actually blow a wet towel across the damp cement basement floor. Can you spell "A-i-r-f-l-o-w"?

I'm in a bit of a pickle...

After buying a brand new refrigerator to replace the dying "fire hazard" model with the door that wouldn't close properly... After buying $500 worth of linoleum to replace the floor of the kitchen... After refinancing our mortgage (from a 30-year to a 15-year, which saves us money long-term but increases the payments short-term)...

...Our stove dies. Dead. Gone. Kaput. The circuit board which controls the oven temperature, cleaning, etc. is fried. The total cost for the new part is $150 — not too bad... but it will take 10 days to get the part. Alternatively, we could replace the stove (which cost $300-ish new) with another cheap bottom-of-the-line stove. Or we could take the opportunity to upgrade. That means spending more but investing in an appliance that will last longer (the current one is only 5 years old), cook better and run more efficiently.

I'm inclined towards option three — consumer goods are priced at record lows right now, and as a wannabe chef I would love the nicer range — but the wife is leaning towards option one. Keep it cheap and upgrade later.

So I'm opening the debate up to the public and soliciting responses from friends and strangers. No fancy polls here... please comment below.

For some crazy reason (I'm not even going to try to explain it) I am in the process of:

- painting my kitchen

- putting a new floor (linoleum) in my kitchen

- putting a new refrigerator in my kitchen

- bricking things up inside the chimney (in my kitchen)

- dying from the fumes of a thousand chemicals (again, in my kitchen)

To put this in perspective, my kitchen is part of an old New England farm house. It was built in 1871... and the walls are made of horse-hair plaster. That's plaster which has been insulated with horsehair, for those who don't know. My kitchen — like all kitchens in the late 1800's — also had wallpaper over the plaster.

The process of renovating this mess goes something like this:

1) Peel off wallpaper. Take about an hour to get most of it off, and another ten hours to get all the fucking little pieces.

2) Fix the plaster. You see, some of it comes off with the wallpaper, no matter how hard you try. Take another few hours to do this.

3) While waiting for the plaster to dry, check yourself into a mental hospital.

4) When dry, sand the plaster so its smooth and start priming it. Primer is like paint except it sucks more. It is sticky and hard to use, and is full of noxious chemicals.

5) Wait for the primer to dry. This doesn't take long, because by the time you've finished priming all of the annoying little pieces of wainscoting and window sills, the first wall you did is probably already dry.

6) Start painting with real paint. This is easier, unless you look around yourself at the mess you've made during steps 1-5. If you do, you'll pass out when affronted by your own stupidity at undertaking such a heinous project.

7) Once you regain consciousness, check to see if the paint is dry. If it is, apply another coat. Except that spot behind the fridge that nobody will ever see. That only needs one coat. I mean let's face it, it's time to cut corners.

...I'm in the middle of step 5 right now. Actually, I'm done with 5... but I missed a few things. Still, I'm officially leaving those for the wife and going on to step 6 anyway. If I'm lucky, I'll get to step seven just as she finishes step 6, so we can skimp the last bit and go directly past step 8 (clean up) to step 9 (drink a lot) and possibly on to step 10 (burn the house down and claim the insurance money).

For those who don't know, I am the proud (?) owner of two miniature donkeys. All ass jokes aside, they're pretty neat animals to have around. They don't serve any useful purpose, but make great pets if you live on a farm (which I do).

However, there is a dark side to donkeys. To my surprise, the jackasses have been silently plotting against me. That's right, I'm talking about ninja-donkeys. The martial-arts mules have been waiting until the time was right to reveal their new-found skills of ass-fu. That time was Saturday, while trying to get them to walk down a two-mile stretch of the White Mountain Highway.

Again, for those who don't know: Donkeys are stubborn. It's not a myth. They are also very strong, and rather heavy. They are also quite adept at the ancient arts of Ninjitsu. That said, if you have to fight one continuously over a two-mile distance, you will regret it. I now have:

• A sore hip
• Cuts all over one leg
• A nagging limp
• Internal Hemorrhaging
• A fervent desire to buy a donkey prison transport... err, I mean "trailer"

The trip/battle was all in an effort to show the little guys off at a local fair. For hours on end I was asked "Do they kick?", to which I would coldly reply "Yes. This one prefers the traditional donkey back kick, but that one has a nasty spinning butterfly kick. You'd better not get too close."